A chance visit to The Oval

“You are from India?”

“California, actually,” I smiled back at the brunette.

“Ah, I see!” she had her foot in the door. God, how I hate the waiting time before boarding.   “So what were you here for?”

I glanced at the hockey kit bag which had all the materials for the journey. My only luggage.  “Oh I see now,” she laughed. “How silly of me!” she said in her thick accent. “So you play professionally?”

“Not really.” I finally gave up trying to be as reticent as possible. “I actually came here with my team. Needless to say we lost all the games.  The Bears are still going on with the tour though. I believe they are at

Copenhagen as we speak.” I smiled. “How about yourself?”

“Just bored as ever here at Heathrow.”

I could tell.

Now boarding.  Flight 113 to Rio de Janeiro. The moment I have been waiting for. But she kept the ball rolling. “So how exactly did you spend your time here?”

Wouldn’t you like to know.

Three hours ago

“Oh for God’s sakes,” exclaimed a man in suits. “Don’t people have any heart left in them nowadays? Jeezus man.  You are drenched.”

“Haha, it’s okay.” I smiled politely.  In reality I was sneezing continuously. I couldn’t believe that getting wet under London downpour at this time of the season will have flu in a jiffy.

“This is not right!” said the man.  “I saw what happened. You have been standing here for the last eight minutes and not a damned soul had the sense to order you a lift.”

“Seriously, Sir, it’s okay.”

“You missed the 36, huh?”
“Yup.”

“Oka —and where the hell are my manners anyways!” the man offered his umbrella. At the instant amidst the hubbub of London traffic, the din of downpour, and the being completely soaked I was overwhelmed for certain guilt at the man’s compassion.

I could deduce he was a member for the Surrey County Cricket Club. He ushered me across the forecourt area before which stood the mason’s red kiln walls of the enclosure.  “What the hell are you doing at the Oval anyway?” I could tell he was annoyed that I already caught cold. “You don’t play cricket, right.”

I laughed. I sensed that he saw the hockey sticks jutting out of the bag that I carried. “I actually missed the tour bus. Then, strolled down the Vauxhall Bridge area.  And then the weather happened.  I tried to get on to 36 but just mis..”

“Don’t worry man.” He cut me off. “I have got a card. I will get you a cuppa and some meds. May be we can also get ya some dry clothes.” He paused. “And I will manage you the transport.”

I know I should have researched more about the weather, and felt like kicking myself for not carrying an umbrella – the ubiquitous trade symbol as I sneezed for the umpteenth time. The kind man told anecdotes about the building, when it was established and such facts which mostly went over my head.  There was a weird looking clock before the member’s entrance gate encased under a sort of reverse ogee arch.  It showed four men playing cricket. The security briefly stopped me and did a cursory search of my kit bag.

It was a relatively slow week. In fact it was the week of Christmas. The men in the hall – whose name I came to know of as the “Long Room” – were sparse.  There were some security guards roaming around but that’s about it. The gentleman introduced himself as “Tuffey” and as it happened, Mr Tuffey came to pick up a parcel mailed to him containing some files.

I profusely apologized for making a mess of the carpet with as water trickled down to the floor and the rugs. “That’s why those vacuums are there for.” Mr Tuffey said curtly.  I also noticed some panes of glasses that were bound with brown paper.  Apparently, some stooge broke one of the glasses while horsing around with the leather.

Having stayed there for a half an hour, Mr Tuffey offered me a lift.  At first I refused the offer, but as he pressed we decided that he will drop me off at my hotel near Heathrow.

“Well, what will you be doing at Rio though, since you are not going back to Cali?”

“The Amazon basins. Christ the Redeemer. Chat with Pele. The usual…” I replied with a hint of sarcasm.

‘Haha…” she was friendly. “We are actually going there for a business trip.” Hmm. “There he is. My handsome hubby!” she pointed to an elderly gentleman buying coffee. “Well, we better get going.”

Last call for Flight 113 to Rio de Janeiro. Flight 113 boarding now at Gate 14.

You bet.

Epilogue

In truth, I hate hockey. Hate with a capital H. I was never a fan of hockey and never will be.  As a lifelong fan of the noble game, I had an eye on John Chitty’s 1729 cricket bat. It is the oldest known cricket bat in existence, and is (or, rather was) installed in the Sandham Room of the Kia Oval Library, as Chitty was from Knaphill. But as everyone knows you cannot get hold of this for your collection—well, at least, not legally.

So I tried the next logical thing: sign up for a hockey team in Anaheim. Soon I was at competing at the pro level. Of course, during last four years I travelled to and fro London to completely familiarize myself with The Oval. The blueprint, the rough security measures, the density of visitors, off season, etcetera.

You also need luck with your plan. Turned out Mr. Tuffey was the part of that missing puzzle.

First you need the bait.  As it turned out doing an unofficial experiment by setting stray dogs to the wretched weather of London in front of premises of all the members of Surrey, only a handful would respond. Some would bother to feed the dog, if not give shelter.  Then there was Mr Tuffey – the most humane of all. An investment banker cum Surrey Member who was compelled to pick up a stack full of scorecard archives on that dreary and quiet day of Christmas week, by having a dummy missive sent to his apartment earlier.

Next you are ready for the swindle.  You just stand at the corner on the specific date after consulting weather updates, and concoct a myth by feigning to catch the bus.

Once you are in you are continue to the next phase.  And yes, you will be in swiftly since the security vaguely checks foreigners, more so, if you are a stray one from a hockey team.  The next phase is a good ol’ smash-and-grab job. While you apologize for the wet rug and carpet, having intentionally caught cold by injecting a nasty microbody of virus, you take the vacuum cleaner to the Sandham Room.  Breaking the glass encase, you switch the 1729 with your replica and clean up the glass shrapnel with the silent vacuum cleaner. Of course there is a huge risk to this task. But as they say, no risk no venture.

You obviously paid two urchins to smash the windows of the exterior hall which caused the delivery of the window panes previous day. You screw those in to create a glass coffin for the evolution series of the bats.

But these all must happen in Swiss time perfection.  Of course, you cannot just waltz in and do the job. You rehearsed it for at least four years. But yes, at the end the payoff is priceless.

And all that remains is to finally catch a plane trip to Brazil.


Tale of the Talented XI

Once upon a time, there lived an old man who was 200 years old and lived in an unknown province. His name was Soul. He was said to be a great cricketer, who could excel at playing any deliveries, hit the ball far and pitch a ball with pin point precision. He even lived through three wars and even though he lost his fingers, he boasted catching a’ thousand men.

But, then the warlords and the chieftains arrived, promptly captured him and took him away for failure to pay taxes. The whole village shed sorrows of tear for seven days straight until the youngest child of the man decided to go searching for his Father.

First, he came to a strange province called Wimmera where he found an aborigine man peering at some bushes and foxhound tracks with a magnifying glass.

‘What’s your name?’ the child asked.

‘Dik-dik,’ the strange man replied.

‘Who are you?’ he asked fondly.

‘Oh me? – Why! I am a cricketer of course.’

‘That’s queer, my Father is a cricketer,’ the child continued and filled in about his quest at which the funny man wanted to come along with him.

‘But do you have any special powers outside of cricket?’

At this, the aborigine man thought for a while and then replied. “Hmm… not really. But I a champion backward sprinter. I can use the wally and the shielf sharply. And yes,  I am an excellent tracker!” he boastfully beamed.

‘Then come along!’

‘Yes, but first- first I must find my brother, he can help us.’

Next, the duo went to a province called Hull where they met another odd-fellow who was drawing strange circles and lines on wall.

‘What’s your name?’ the child asked.

‘John. But don’t bother me now!’ the man replied grouchily.

‘Who are you?’

‘Why a logician of course!’

‘Hmm…’ the child wondered. ‘What good would a logician do to me?’ Nevertheless, he sought his help.

The philosopher-logician grudgingly agreed, although he too wished to see his brother atop the mountain.

The third province was Land of the Auks, where a man lived on top of mountain alone.

‘What’s your name?’

This fellow, however, was friendly. ‘Adam. What’s yours?’

The child told his name.

‘Who are you?’

‘Me? I am a wicket-keeper!’

‘Wow!’ at this the child’s eyes lit up. ‘Will you come with me?’

‘Sure,’ the brother agreed yet on the same condition as others. He too must find his brother.

Then the child and the three brothers trotted across the globe in search of the other fellow brothers. At Tubou they met another odd one with such a long name that it would fall others to sleep! Then there was the 7’1” tall giant from Gaggo who could pluck any fruits from any tree. There was another brother who idled away his time playing carrom in streets of Hindustan. There was also The Flying Man of umGungundlovu. There were also a blind story teller and a scribe. There was the strange and amateur sinologist who studied Chinese characters!

And, the thread that tied together was they all loved cricket.

Upon arrival to the Foreign Land, the child pleaded the warlords and chieftains to set his Father free, but they would not heed. When asked if there is anyway the child could help them the Chief thought and thought and finally replied: “Ah yes! There is one thing you can help with…our town’s cricket team!’

The child and the others looked at each other. Then the Chief told him that the village needed a really good team to defeat the neighbouring town. And then after dilly-dallying, the Chief finally yielded that it was because of this very reason why they captured his Father in the first place, but the old man stubbornly refused to be suborned.

The Chief finally gave a week to sort things out and if the team is not fixed thoroughly he would gladly execute his Father.

 

Morale of this story – based on the Chinese legends’ Ten Brothers- is that no matter how small or insignificant may a cricketer be in the lore of cricket books’ records,  let it be even first-class ones, their far reaching influences and coloring of the sport can neither be overshadowed nor unappreciated for  advertisement.

Now I am not wholly cognizant of the nuances of the ICC draft proposal of the coming months, but I can avow that it would only hamper the spirit if the three powerhouses combine to sign the draft that will eventually leave the system in two tiers.

Whether it be the aboriginal cricketer and member of the first Australian cricket team to tour England in 1868 Dick-a-Dick and his strange tracking skills, or John Venn and his invention of the a super accurate bowling machine which bowled one of the visiting Australian team’s player at Cambridge four times in 1909- Whether it even be an associate player with no one-day status I. L. Bula with the longest name or the tallest player Irfan Khan- Whether it be an innovator carrom bowler like Ravinder Ashwin or the flying man Jonty Rhodes – Whether it be blind commentator Dean Du Plessis, or the Chinese speaking Aminul Islam Bulbul who is doing much to spread cricket across that part of the continent- Whether it be Everest climbing Adam Parore or Nobel laureate and first class player Samuel Beckett…whether it be anyone from the major and minor arcana of the sports all are like cogs who have a role to play. Fate cannot possibly shoot her foot knowing that if the sport is made any more elitist it would potentially ruin its commercial and ethical values engraved within the variety of soul.

Back to the story. Did the seemingly oddball of XI cricket lovers finally manage to prevent the execution? Logician John Venn designed a strange trebuchet to fine tune the inefficient batsman of the village. Dean du Plessis taught the men further to hone their other senses to fully read the game and distinguish between short-pitched deliveries and yorkers when blindfolded. Bulbul taught everyone the strange language so as to freely communicate in the game. Ashwin’s taught the secrets of carrom ball with bounced erratically when further practiced with theory of Irfan Khan with the gourds plucked from tall trees. As Beckett choreographed entire theatrics like a playwright with Adam Parore on top of a hillock, Johnty would travel faster than air to inform the initiates of the oncoming army, when not imparting his knowledge of field setting.

And as for Bula? Well, he gave each player a sesquipedalian name – so long and soporific, that it induced the entire team to sleep upon announcement by the band-wagoners, that the tribe would eventually lose!


The library of Babel

The library would contain everything.

            And I mean Everything. From H.S. Altham’s 1948 edition of A History of Cricket to 8001 Ways to Appeal covering every language from Lithuanian to Nahuatl which is itself in turn translated to all the languages of the world; from Arthur Haygarth’s Scores & Biographies Vol. I,II, onwards…including biography of the unknown lads of Weald who initiated the whole movement, to John Derrick’s life story as well as self-help book on How to bat like Bradman in 24 hours; from the dry monograph of Dogon tribe’s astrological prediction of future innings to A Cabalistic Treatment of 74: Sachin Tendulkar’s last innings; as well as each and every permutation of Wisden Almanac and her 1600 or so pages containing every absurdities, oddities and trivia imaginable in the known universe such as ten lbw by the same bowler, ten lbw by the same bowler resulting in ducks, ten lbw by the same bowler resulting in ducks with triple hat-trick and one, ten lbw by the same bowler bowling five with right arm and five with left resulting in ducks with triple hat-trick and one….

             Well you get the gist! Of course, I refer to the theme borrowed from the Argentine writer Jorge Luis Borges’ short story of the same name. Lately, after receiving a copy of Widen 150, brought to me by Dad from Kolkata, it made me reminisce the time I made a trek from Orange County to Los Angeles just to thumb down the dusty, faded cover of vintage cricket books in the distant LA Central Library. Of course, my ultimate dream would be to make a pilgrimage to MCC Library at Lord’s just to see their breadth of breathtaking collection of reservoir of tomes. Yes, even in times of Amazon and eBay, it is exceedingly difficult, costly and time consuming to get hold of such rich collection of books from the States.

             People in UK and other cricket playing nations such as India and Australia have it too easy and far too often take it for granted about the wealth found at their own doorstep. But, for young students of the game like me, we have to save an entire year’s worth of expenditure just to visit the Mecca of cricket. Now I know how the past travelers felt when journeying to Alexandria!

             Borges’ Library contains all books imaginable in this known universe given certain axioms such as the Library exists ab aeterno and that the “orthographical symbols are twenty-five in number.” Doing some calculation it turns out given a constraint of each book in the Library to 410 pages with each page made up of 40 lines consisting of 80 positions and that  there are 25 possible alphabetic symbols that can fill any of these positions, the product is  410 x 40 x 80 = 1,312,000 positions per book. Now, each of these can be filled in 25 distinct ways: 25 x 25 x 25… and so on to 1,312,000 times. Thus and therefore, the Library of Babel contains 25(410x40x80) = 251,312,000 books. This is of course “a number compared to which the number of atoms in our universe is infinitesimal”, writes Adam Lee for his blog Daylight Atheism here.

             Ultimately, it won’t make much of a difference if we were to consider books of Wisden’s length of 1600 pages with 50 lines each and each containing about 40 positions with 40 alphanumeric characters including dashes, slashes, spaces and other trivial punctuations. Point is the Library with that given constraint is still HUGE.

Inline image 1

             Given the fact we are liberal with our constraint, we shall further imagine that the Library will filter out “gibberish” or “nonsensical” tomes. Thus, a book with a letter of trailing Aaaaaaaa’s will be left out.

             As for the B’s. Well, this is where it gets subtle and tricky. Remember the team of ‘The Bs’ who registered one of the lowest first-class totals ever at Lord’s in 1810? If the custodian in cowl was to truncate and chop off random books from the catalogue, albeit, even the nonsensical ones, then she would constraint creativity and flow of thought. For instance, what if the sole book of the letter A trailing with more A’s were to encapsulate a primeval banshee of a Masai warrior versus Namibia in a future T20 match! The longest appeal ever?

            So may be in the Heavenly realm containing the bookshelves of our choice, it would morph and blend dynamically to read our thoughts? Like a smartphone or browser storing cookies it would cater to our needs- perhaps.

             And if we were to take off the restraint, then it would contain tomes and tomes of books with identical innings both in terms of fall-of-wickets and an exact superimposition of different scorecards, which, at present, seems like an incredibly difficult chore, even given the statistically favoring Statsguru.

             So until I zestfully answer Alan Watts’s life answering question: What would you do if money was no object? with an emphatic “Read all about cricket all day and all night long.”

             …until I meet the obsessive collection of Tim Bunting who finds his magnanimous collection “therapeutic”…

             …until my pilgrimage to Lord’s await, and until I am awaken to a Matrix-like digital fortress where by snap of finger Morpheus produces shelves and shelves of such cricket books…

             …until then I just have to dream on looking forward to a nirvana in the promised land enshrining the towering Library of Babel – the cricket’s version.

             And as for the kicker? As logician Willard van Orman Quine explains, we can do-away with the whole theory of book altogether and just get two sheets of paper with a dash on one and dot on another. Quine writes in Universal Library:

             The ultimate absurdity is now staring us in the face: a universal library of two volumes, one containing a single dot and the other a dash. Persistent repetition and alternation of the two is sufficient, we well know, for spelling out any and every truth. The miracle of the finite but universal library is a mere inflation of the miracle of binary notation: everything worth saying, and everything else as well, can be said with two characters.

             And of course, what better way to perform the “persistent repetition” than a simple sortition of…a coin toss.


If Chuck Norris played cricket

Bowlers would wear helmets.

Cricket would be invented between Powerplays.

Chuck Norris would hit two sixes in one ball.

The results in a Test would be Win, Loss, Tie, Draw and Chuck Norris.

The ball would fly to orbit to destroy incoming asteroid proving Mayans wrong once again.

His batting average would be aleph-null.

Umpires would appeal to him “Howzat!”

Chuck Norris would not take runs, rather North and South Pole would switch polarity.

The letters in C.H.U.C.K actually would stand for Gayle, Finch, Sehwag, Bradman, Sobers.

There would be no Malinga, Murali or Razzak lest their actions scream “chucking”.

If Chuck Norris overstepped there would be no no-ball, rather an indication that Earth is off Chandler wobble.

If a batsman would ever hit a boundary off Chuck Norris’s bowling, there would be earthquake to swallow up the ball. That too to find a petroleum minefield.

There would be no disgraceful moment in cricket as Chuck Norris would hit the underarm ball for six.

Chuck Norris would not shy at stumps, but stumps shy away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris would flail a ball so hard that it would travel back in time to kill the chicken to bring an end to the chicken-or-egg debate.

Everyone would be allotted negative runs at start. They would have to score their way up to zero.

Chuck Norris would play all test playing nations simultaneously, blindfolded and still win all the matches.

There would be no boundary rope for Chuck Norris, but Hartle-Hawking state.

Chuck Norris would decide all possible outcomes from all possible deliveries and lets other team decide their loss before the match.

Chuck Norris would read a bowler, his body language, his thoughts, his entire ancestry and history of mankind that fortune tellers would run out of business.

There would be no triple hat tricks and a wicket, just batsmen whom Chuck Norris kept not out.

Teams would forfeit first and then play against Chuck Norris.

Once, Chuck Norris was given out LBW. Then umpires had to invent football.

Once, an umpire slowly raised his finger to give Chuck Norris out. Then he started swiveling his arm to signal Powerplay.

Chuck Norris would declare first and then play against the team.

The captain would not shake hands with Chuck Norris before toss as that would be considered sledging.

Chuck Norris made Onion cry so much that he changed his name to Smiles.

There would be no light issues in a Test match, as Chuck Norris’ halo would be always shining.

Once an umpire had arthritis and was unable to move. Chuck Norris came and started hitting boundaries so fast that in order to keep up with him he started moving his limbs.

There would be no slow motion replay, just Chuck Norris slowing his breath with mind-body meditation.


If Cleopatra’s nose had been shorter…

United States would kick-off international cricket by defeating Canada — Geroge Parr renamed “Rabbit of the North” after losing a contest with a soldier at Lord’s for failing to send a cherry about 100 yards — Mr. Mallam representing Spiers & Pond would sign Charles Dickens for a lecture tour of Australia and New Zealand — English would be replaced with Gabi-Gabi in 68 — Carmelo Flores would travel from Bolivia to shave Dr. Grave’s beard and commit stats in Aymara — Bannermann would go on to score double ton on debut instead of being retired hurt by splitting his index finger from Ulyett’s delivery — Demon woudn’t get his share of hat-trick as England would beat Australia by 10 wickets — Coulthard would give Billy Murdoch not out as Sydney riot averted with the umpire stepping to Aussie PM — Ivo Bligh end up as a struggling pall-bearer near Westminister Abbey — Representatives from England, Australia and South Africa meet sub-rosa at Lord’s to form mason lodge — Connie’s parlor trick of catching a ball after returning to run-up mark — Charles Darwin would witness a game of cricket to pen “several young men redeemed by the missionaries were employed on the farm. In the evening I saw a party of them at dressage” — Cardus would criticize Ranjitsinhji’s back-foot shots as “Midsummer’s Nightmare of Cricket” — Bodyline with it’s leg theory defense would be set…for left-handers — Betty Wilson would be one of only two women to have taken ten wickets and scored a century in the same match; the other being Betty White — Bradman would end with 100.00 average, there would be no Donald Duck, and hence no Disneyland leading kids join gang — Pakistan’s first home Test match was in Dacca (Dhaka) in 1955 against India, after which fourmore Test matches were played and all five matches in the series were drawn…..by hand — Laker takes 90/19, or in reverse-Aussie speak 19 for 90 — Basil Lewis D’Oliveira would be tracked by pirates with squawking parrots for smuggling Peri-peri sauce to South Africa — first ODI ending in stalemate when both Aussies and English batting as coin would land on edge — Yallop comes wearing armet, breastplate, greaves, schynbald failing to cover the whole twenty-two yards with styrofoams — ICC merges with MCC to be MICCCC — Bangladesh becomes carom champion, while Mendis invents cricket ball — Hansie Cronje reveals that entire cricket timeline from A-to-Z has been one giant told-you-so, rickroll — Lara becomes first batsman to score four in a Test innings — Pakistan tries to promote hard, cricket balls as rare delicacies — Jesse Ryder becomes an addiction counselor.


History of Cricket


BC Attached Image

Hagioscope:
|
|
|
|
|
1.
Lo
and
behold!
Welkin tear
asunder
Cht
hon
icch
mber
tmes
isFro
m do
wn under,
As I surrender,Your hierodule
At service Bringing genesis as under:

LAMENT OF THE DEAD CORONER

[Act I Scene II]
Placebo singers and wailers:
‘Twas 1598! Heaven strikes thunder!
Enter a coroner, an oath taken under…
Hereby declares a game of wunder
“Creckett” a game of awe ‘n mystery
Was being played in vamoose ‘n hurry
In Royal Grammar School, Guilford Surrey
Hence testyfed Derrick in land dispute history.

Scoteography continues…

Alit
japanese lantern
a game was born second to soccer’s sucess sparked
By premogenitor phosphrous chivalrous metalworkers & farmers jousters ex
in Kent & Sussex

Gluminol:

dictionary by Giovanni Florio

mentions

cricket-a-wicket
etymology

entomological

defined means of game and insect

Gothic Rosicrucian palimpsest:

Sixteen hundred et eleven –
It’s an adult game – whence
Arrested with game – two men–
Heretics duly fined 12 pence–

“Crosse” trans. – as cricket staff –
Gambling sport of devil – game of bluff –
From dawn to dusk – Kent 1646 -uncuffed –
Game recognizable as modern cricket stuff

Thus the replica was thrown–
Who got the throne of the throne –
Not known – records book shown
A Great Match performed —
— Like bonfire of an arson –
A series of matches starts in Clapham Common.

BC Attached Image

Solfeggio:

Articles of Agreement carrieth
conduct of games and all that jazz
Oval is now where is buried
John Chitty’s sigilation axe

1774: Artillery Ground Kent defeats All England by 1 wicket
1774: also marked first known version of the ‘Laws of Cricket’
1760: Bowling revolution begins, as the ball is pitched and flipped
1769: Issued by London Club, pitch formalized to 22 yards strip
1769: First century comes from Duke of Dorset Minshull’s grip
1771: Bat width limited to 4.25 inches, many-a-balls must slip

BC Attached Image

MDCCCLXIV

An initiation of magical year of mandala
Overarm delivery legalized and mandated,
Wiccan priest on mandrake of radix black calla
5’4″ man leaves 10 scalped and decapitated:
All clean bowled, capsized by the wunderkind
Book of Shadows casted first Bible of cricket
Almanack of Wisden The Little Wonder of a kind
Scripted scripp’s spell of utter disaster wicked
Alas! Rheumatism wore his resistance rheostat
‘Cigar and cricket’ joint shut down and atrophied
To this day his feat from South to North reecho’s stats
Few gets named in the almagest a worthy trophy
An apparition he can be seen wearing a mala of tsantsa,
Reverend wandering in reverie tarantella dance of tarantas.

#include
using namespace std;
#include
#include
int main(){

int date=1868; int stumped; int feed; int caught;

if (date !=1878){

cout << “Bowler: Edward Pooley of Surrey ” << endl;

cout << gameArchive.Australian_aborigines() << endl; // Australian team goes to play the English overseas

while ((stumped==4) || (caught==8)){
cout << “Out!” << endl;
feed++;
}
date ++;
}

return 0;
}

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Planchette in planh

spiritus ubi vult spirat
Fred Spofforth spirals
on top of totem polemology
with bowling leger-de-main
claims first hattrick in Test says, ‘Ain’t I a demon?’

1880-1884:
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Englishmen’s first test match
Has them in bodybags…
Aussie women gifts Bligh the ashes
of a burnt bail in-an-urn
England loses…vows…
someday she will have
the urn returned
So the strange yarn churns
Rivalry ‘tween them burns

Murdoch plunders first test cricket double century, 211 at Oval
Game only gets interesting as Declarations gets seal-of-approval
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

Fata Morgana

Football and cricket foresaw both equally RE Tip
Fortune however never favored Basil may he r.i.p
Fine rackets player and footsoldier was Wilfrid
Fosterchild of Faust Harry flourished in days of no free hit
Figuratively may not be that fit was Geoffrey
Funny was dismissal of Jack Hobbs at 1 by likes of Maurice
Fraternity came to an end with Neville as he paid his final fee

Slavic Slaves Impaler

Is it a miracle? a thaumuturgy?
Is it a sidereal syzygy?
Is it a kabalistic opera?
Neither is it a miracle or idolatry.
Neither it’s a syzygy.
Nor is it an opera.
It’s Hammond bagging ten catches
In a single match
vs. Gloucestershire all in the outfield.

Verse of Stregheria:
Hammond takeCatches.(10);
sortition =toss
a single match for Gloucestershire
all in outfield.

Witch Of Agnessi
Spinster
Shane Warn
bowls “Gatting ball”
Spun like wicked curve

CRICKET MATCH
Admission 6d
If W G Grace plays
Admission 1/–

Tatanka of Truth

By grace of God,
a kid was born
adorned to be
a doc ad hoc country
boy who roamed freely we the other village boys

By wr’ath of Devil
he occasionally threw stones at
murder of crows
wake of buzzards
he’d later claim that this was the source of his eventual skill as an outfielder…

Dr.Grace’s invention
cricket Einstein
overtook creation
Frankestein
pallor mortis thurgile

Quote:
Destruction of Sennacherib
“The Australians came down like a wolf on the fold,
The Marylebone cracks for a trifle were bowled;
Our Grace before dinner was very soon done,
And Grace after dinner did not get a run.”

BC Attached Image

Ritual of the haunted abattoir

Ritual of pentacles: five wounds of Jesus
Five ball over, overturned in sextet overture
Queen buries French with hatchets on Mt.Olympus

Cenotaph adorned with wreath of olivius
Nine years later forms in new maneouver
Ritual of pentacles: five wounds of Jesus

Order of Imperial Cricket Conference nexus
Six notches given when runneth the noose over
Alas! Queen buried French on top of Mt.Olympus

Matthews with two tricks treats us vex us
On same freakish day, next year starts war
Ritual of pentacles: five wounds of Jesus

Arthur Mailey in year 1921 anno dominus
Disembowels 9 for 21 like portuguese man o’war
Alas! Queen buried French on top of Mt.Olympus

Victoria piles on 1107 in ossuary vase versus
New South Wales: first class record wrecker
Ritual of pentacles: five wounds of Jesus
Queen buried French with hatchets on Mt.Olympus

__________________________________________________ ________________________
Sistine Chapel Splatter Analysis

Atheaneum
[Theater is set]
Enter Sir Donald Bradman

Plug in:
Satirical satyriasis of runs
Double-triple century
Highest wicket partnership
Australia vs England
Bowling and loss of wickets
Knesset codex and progress in senet

Magistrates makes straight stumps higher/wider in senet
Sagitattrius satirical satyriasis of saturnal runs of kismet
Laker histrionic Shaker furnishes ninenteen wickets
nineteen twenty nine Sandham makes first triple century
Feminine doors opens in match of Australia vs England
Hutton’s 364 marks highest wicket partnership

413 India’s Roy & Mankad’s highest test partnership
Declarations authorised any time marks progress in senet
1938 had BBC Live broadcast of Australia vs. England
Whitington pens seeing one of Bradman fastest century
“I have seen today the ghost of a once great cricketer”
Twice dismissed India in ’52 miserably losing all wickets

1954 Lowest score by New Zealand 26 losing all wickets
Sobers bulldozers to 365 along with highest test partnership
In each innings Arthur Fagg (Kent) scores double century
First ODI tourney with in sixty three brings strides in senet
Sagitarrius Satirical satyriasis of saturnal runs of kismet
Dejavu in ’77 after 100 years, by 45 runs Aussies defeats Englamd

First women’s match at Lords in ’76 as Australia versus England
774 balls by Ramadhin most balls bowled in a test
Sagitarrius Satirical satyriasis of saturnal runs of kismet
Australia wins first Women’s World Cup by England hussars
S.Africa excommunicatecd for policies apartheid by Knesset
Year 1884 Murdoch makes a cameo wtih test’ first double century

Mudassar Nazar takes 557mins. and makes sluggish test century
Australia wins first Women’s World Cup by England Hussars
Floodlight lit, Australia-Windies, day-night match makes progress
Underarm delivery annullled in 1981 by Office of the Dead, Knesset
106 runs by Richards & Holding marks 10th wicket ODI partnership
Sagitarrius satirical satyriasis of sidereal showering runs of kismet

Double-triple century & bowling and loss of wickets
Prehistoric bouts of Australia vs Englan and highest partnership
Black senate plus progress in senet and superfluous runs
__________________________________________________ ________________________
Pantomime’s Soliloquoy

Brian Charles mortars 500 first class brainchild runs
Inducted in Underground Chamber of Immortals
So harrowing! Hair noballs Murali for throwing
Dark horseman Sanath rains plague of locust in 17

Inducted in Underground Chamber of Immortals
Anti-Christ leaves bloody fingerprints in cantilevers
Silent assassin otacust’s lens focus on elocution of runs
Gangster rip through, Grim Reaper on Ganja with Gandasa

Dactylography reveals devil’s positive ID in Cahron’s river
Loki the trickster Warne treats us with his hattrick
Gangster rip through, Grim Reaper on Ganja with Gandasa
Afridi blitzkriegs fastest hundred runs in 37 deliveries

Warne trifecta first ever versus English signs genius loci
Wasim greets ninety-six with twelve huge six sky high
Afridi’s gilded mint century can’t be counterfeited
Hasan Raza at 14 years and 238 debuts joins the fete

Wasim greets ninety-six with twelve sky high huge sixes
Saeed Anwar’s innings of 194 one of masterpieces
Raza youngest test debutatant at 14 years and 238
Lankans come in ’97 with monolithic score of 952 for six

Saeed Anwar innings of 194 one of masterpieces
Mushtaq-Azhar highest 10th wicket test runs in ’98
Lankan leonine score still holds, in record book lore
Batting at ten, Symcox churns a century out of note

Mushtaq-Azhar 10th wicket stand still stands
Lamba’s rite of passage to netherworld life agnew
Symcox century at number ten, remains unbeaten
Ninety-nine has Pakistan beaten by Bangladesh

-already witnessed Lamba passage to netherworld
Vivian Richards knighted in his native Antigua-
-ninety-nine which has Pakisan beaten by Bangladesh
-bringing an end of an epoch starting new millenium

Vivian Richards knighted in his native antigua
Inducted in Underground Chamber of Immortals
-bringing an end of an epoch starting new millenium
Epic innings of Lara surgical construction for post-mortem.

Quote:
“Poetry and murder lived in him together.
He would slice the bowling to ribbons,
then dance without pity on the corpse.”
————–R C Robertson-Glasgow panygeric on Sir Donald Bradman

M&rdzr by N)m83rs

2001/0
Happy New Year
Bangladesh becomes test nation.
100 men panel nominates
Wisden Cricketers of the Century

7-30 tolls India’s death-knell by murali
Life ban for Hansie Cronje on charges of bribery in match-fixing scandal
death of Sir Donald Bradman
1st year of new century
youngest player
Ashraful a s’nwarthy vandal makes known

0-20
inaugurated in England

1983: Zimbabwe wins first ODI vs. Aussies making the nation a name
1983: Fastest test 50 in 30 balls: Kapil Dev’s moment surely was golden
1985: Sri Lanka score first test cricket victory by 149 runs against India
1985: 56 ball century in test? Richards continues to be one-man militia
1986: Only person to take five wickets in one-day and score a hundred
1986: He scored 119 runs and took 5/41 versus Kiwis in Dunedin
1986: Allan Border scores the one millionth run in history of test cricket
1987: 10000 test runs of Gavaskar surely makes eyes come out of socket
1989: Tendulkar scores test cricket fifty aged 16 years 214 days, a record
1990: Gooch is the only player to score highest runs in test- 456 on board
1991: Botham attempts to hook Ambrose but falls on his own stumps
1992: Zimbabwe first test long before She would go on a political slump

1 year ban for Warne after testing positive to deuretics

0015: run defeat India succumbs to from Bangladeshi heuristics
0064: runs by Balaji & Harbhajan Singh for 10th wicket ODI partnership
0133: runs by India versus Bangladesh2005: 10th wicket test partnership
0400: runs by B.Charles Lara in a Test innings in 2004

2004: Doosra (Off-Spinners leg-break) / Muttiah Muralitharan banned
2005: Powerplay introduced in one day match gives whole new gist
0600: test wickets taken by Warne with tremor of his wrist
2006: Wisden acquires Hawk-Eye computerised ball-tracking system
http:www.cricinfo.com an online website is virtually woven in hem

Rec.
443-9 Highest score in ODI as Sri Lanka mauls The Netherlands
286 Tharanga-Jaya’s highest first wicket ODI runs vs. England

2007:

handwriting scrawled on the wall…


29.1 van Bunge to Gibbs, SIX, Violence!
Gibbs charged down the track
and hoicked it over long on.
29.2 van Bunge to Gibbs, SIX, Murder!
Floated on the leg and middle stump line
and Gibbs sends it soaring over long-off.
29.3 van Bunge to Gibbs, SIX, Carnage!
Flatter one this time
but it makes no difference to Gibbs.
He just stands there and delivers.
This one also has been sucked over long off
29.4 van Bunge to Gibbs, SIX, Wah Wah!
Low full toss and guess where this went Yep.
A slap slog and it went over deep midwicket!
He is going to go for 6 sixes in this over!
29.5 van Bunge to Gibbs, SIX, Short in length,
on the off stump line and Gibbs rocks back
and swat-pulls it over wide long off.
SImply amazing. What a batsman. This is pure violence!
29.6 van Bunge to Gibbs, SIX, He has done it!
One-day record.
No one has hit six sixes in a row.
GIbbs stands alone in that zone.
And the minnow bashing continues!
Full and outside off and bludgeoned over deep midwicket

Automatic writing

Butterfly effects
Yuvraj sjambok six sixes
in six balls English taken aback
fastest fifty fifty two off twelve balls, worldcup
1-run snub
smallest margin of victory Ireland beats the Dutch
Lara retires from international cricket theatre
V.Sehwag fastest triple macabre
Taxidermy entomology

2009: Coventry’s covert covenant with devil recovers anwar’s score


Tristram Shandy plays a cricket match

No ball! -yelled the umpire.

As I, in horror, watch four stumps being uprooted, it takes a minute or so to register, the consequence, ie, the bowler must rebowl, while a notch is marked in run’s tally, while so more, no ball is tallied, none, while match continues to go on, albeit, what otherwise have been a duck, breathes the batsman, or (bats)woman, for a fair share of balance between sexes, unless of course, the sex in question rather be not an androgynous one, or for that matter, a transgender, such as a Navajo two-spirit, or berdache, or even more aptly, third gender. But, tarry a little for it seems the man, or bowler, overstepped by an inch, and it seems, one must summon help from Lord overseer in an umpire’s box, to doctor, or Billy Doctrove, if, that is, himself, the umpire at the box, who must be privy to a trove of technology, to rewind and revisit the scene again and again…

…but a caution must be put on what Billy, assuming, that is, that it really is, Billy, himself, at the box, went to an optometrist for a thick lens glass, which may cause astigmatism, if not the unusually thickness, or length of lens, of the spectacles, may cause parallax, as the astute astronomers, often put it, where displacement arises, esp. upon usage of a twin-lens reflex camera, in photography, and thus what may be deemed as a slight overstepping, may in turn, be a rather bold step backward an inch. But of course it rests upon discretion of Billy, but say, a superior person with above averge IQ, such as Goethe or Leibniz, if, may, or had a chance, to monitor the match, then one, such as Leibniz, may vouch, that because the universe is essentially a monad, there is no such thing as divison or space, and thus, like interconnected nexus of all beings, such as proposed by Indra’s net metaphor, there is essentially no space, and thus, and therefore, no instances of an out.

So while the bowler rebowls as the third umpire signals, not out, with an outstretched right arm, or is it left? or does the chirality of the on-field umpire makes no difference? or they do? because should there be another mistake and third umpire summoned, to figure out why the on-field umpire first sends a right hand signal of no-ball, then utterly confused and bemused, gives the left hand signal, which results in both arms, simultaneously drawn out for ‘wide’, then it behooves on on-field umpire herself, or himself, or themselves, to call the Lord overseer, to monitor his own action. Now, with a quandary looming, umpire signals that it should really be signaled ‘no’ and not ‘wide’ but since wide was given, it must be rescinded, and given a ‘no’, which of course, confuses the scorer furthermore, as he records a double ‘no-ball’ when in reality, only a single no-ball was bowled, but what if the bowler rebowls a no-ball?

As such the case, the bowler, indeed rebowls, a no-ball, but by now, the on-field umpire was clever enough bending ever so slightly, and keenly, and have sharp glance on the white mark on the crease, and clearly spots the bowler overstep by a wide margin, astutely signals a no-ball, thereby incrementing the scoreboard by 1 more, as the score reads three-for-none, for none, for nonetheless, the show must go on.

Incremented by one more, when in reality, two  no’s have been bowled, but the score clearly reads three,  the bowler continues bowling, but this time, with the other arm, from the other side, bowling the other kind, for yet, another, no-ball. And this train of events continues ad infinitum, with no possible result of a match, because of a single error of parallax, wrong button, and a perplexed scorer, incrementing the run’s tally, with the bowler continuing overstepping, and billowing bellows of fume in him, for a perpetual motion of self-negativity, thereby the score reading 10, and then 100, and then gradually 1000, and 10,000 and 1000000 and so on… with no-result, with the score exponentially increasing for a Poincare recurrence theorem, where a set contains a set, as time runs backwards, with the score reading zero, then negative, and so on…


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